The mountains tumble into the depths of the sea....

God is our strong refuge; He is truly our helper in times of trouble. For this reason we do not fear when the earth shakes, and the mountains tumble into the depths of the sea, when its waves crash and foam, and the mountains shake before the surging sea. (Selah) Psalm 46:1-3 I used to read this verse growing up for comfort, but not really feeling a lot of comfort. I realized recently that I have a fear of being abandoned and apparently concentrated on the second part and ignoring the first line! I don’t think the abandonment is as much by people as by situations. Not that the people I love would abandon me, but circumstances would keep them from me. Not that God would abandon me, but that maybe I haven’t trusted His full power and authority. That He would let me fall. I recognized the problem last night that I’m actually afraid of the earth moving under my feet (not from Dave’s kisses!) and falling to nowhere secure. I asked God to give me peace and to somehow confirm to me that I can trust Him and not fear. This morning in church we sang a song about God doing the moving of the mountains. God doing the mighty acts of nature to bring Himself glory—the glory that He deserves of course! All of a sudden I saw the answer to my fear so very clearly. If God’s making it happen, He will one way or another take care of me and my loved ones and it will indeed be to His glory. I found the peace I sought and joy on top of that! (God always gives extra, you know.) It’s incredible to me that God gave me my assurance the next day. Unfortunately I prayed more of a wish than really believing God would give it so soon. I have a habit of assuming it will take a while and I’ll stumble on my own onto the answer or something I can grasp and hope that’s my answer. But God very gently gave it to me with the first song and so clearly. The second song echoed the same message. God is sovereign, God cares for me, God will be faithful and take care of me. He also sweetly showed me I can count on Him for answers. They may not always come right away, but they can and certainly did in this case. Regardless of when the answers come, the answers are as faithful as their Master and do come when needed most. Wonder how many I’ve overlooked by assuming they would be vague answers? Or worse yet, not really expecting them at all? I also learned that when I learn the ugliness of my heart, I see the beauty of God’s heart. I always thought it was the other way around, which is also true. As we meditate on God’s goodness, we realize our lack of it. But today God showed me where I had been wrong and His truth in that order. It was a great comfort to accept my lack of faith that way. To see yourself doubting God in a way you didn’t think you were is very piercing to the soul. How can I doubt my God? I thought I was past all that. But God’s comfort came right away and it was by showing me the area I hadn’t been believing Him by showing me how far His sovereignty really reaches.

I can rest and rest in joy. May you know the beauty and security of God’s sovereignty and love too!

I am reading Nancy Leigh DeMoss’ trilogy Brokenness, Surrender, Holiness. So far I have broken and am learning to surrender. She writes: “…if we are unwilling to trust God with our happiness and well-being, and we insist on the pursuit of temporal pleasures, we may become dominated by overeating, getting drunk or using drugs, sexual promiscuity, adultery, pornography, obsession with television or films or novels, being irresponsible, or living beyond our means.” Some of that I see as obvious and some of it surprised me some. Obviously she’s not talking about just enjoying good books, but the sort of novel and movie you can get lost in and do so habitually. It’s the getting lost that we enjoy—also known as escape. I had heard before that we are made to be addicted to God and if we aren’t, we fill that void with other addictions. I think what Nancy says is more accurately to the point. God didn’t create us to be lacking, but with a free will. When we misuse it, we get into trouble. God recently showed me how much of my motivation in life was to push the limits—because I could. I remember at about age 3, we all lived with my grandmother while Dad was in school. My sister and I shared a room. One night we made too much noise and Mom had to come in several times to tell us to be quiet. Her final ultimatum was, “I don’t want to hear one more peep out of you!” My response was a silent “Okay, I’m too young to die.” My sister’s response was an incredibly audible, “Peep!” I just knew that was the end of life as I knew it. I don’t remember what the consequences were, but I learned early in our family that there were very few consequences of any great value. In defense of my mother, she had been abused herself. I do believe her going too easy on us was her attempt to not abuse us. I didn’t learn all that of course until an adult, but what I did learn that night was that almost anything goes, preferably don’t get caught, but if you do, it may not be that big of a problem anyway. And that often proved true throughout my growing up. So adventure became seeing what I could get away with. There were certain things I made sure I did right—school work and being the “good” daughter. I never got too brave, but I had a great time pushing the limits just under parental radar. My sister, being more outspoken and therefore in trouble more often, even made me look good by drawing all the attention. Self-control was only needed to keep my pride and reputation and favor with authorities, but not for God’s purposes. The limits I’d push I did so for the fun of it. I went through my alcoholism in my early twenties. Pride made me stop. Until I had married Dave, I lived beyond my means. I have (still do) struggle with contentment. At least I never took up smoking! Now I know why pushing the limits was so appealing. I was searching for pleasure and adventure for the laid back quiet person that I am. The quote from Ms. DeMoss is under the heading of trusting God’s provision—part of which is trusting Him for our happiness. I was seeking my own happiness with my own sense of adventure, foolish as it was. What’s so good about God is, it’s never too late to start entrusting my happiness to Him. I like this learning where I’ve been wrong, why I was doing it, and that it’s possible to do right just for the joy of it! (Not to mention the joy of pleasing God!) I won’t be fooled into thinking I won’t struggle from time to time with looking for joy in all the wrong places, but I feel armed now to face the desire when it comes with wisdom. It’s like I’ve finally grown up. It’s not near as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, it’s very promising!

For You have delivered my soul.....

"Your vows are binding upon me, O God; I will render thank offerings to You. For You have delivered my soul from death, Indeed my feet from stumbling, So that I may walk before God In the light of the living. " Psalm 56:12-13 Back when I gave birth to Hannah, I remember hearing the pediatrician saying, "come on, baby, come on." Dave even told me that she flunked her first Apgar test and it didn't register why not. I didn't dawn on me until Hannah was about 10 years old that she had been born dead. I don't think I could've handled it before then. 10 years later my heart skipped a few beats when I realized the truth of the matter. When David was 3 weeks old he was diagnosed with spinal meningitis. They called it "aeseptic viral meningitis." I knew that wasn't as serious as bacterial. Then 3 weeks later the county called to get a report on it because it was so dangerous. That's when I learned aeseptic means unidentifiable, which means it needed to be treated as bacterial and could have been just as life threatening. My heart skipped a few more beats. On Mother's Day, 1999, with the whole family in the van, I hit a car that had run a stop sign. It spun and hit us. No one was significantly hurt. All our hearts skipped beats!! My son, David, who was 11 years old at that time, asked me a later what had we done for God to punish us that way. I replied "Punish!? Davey, He saved us! We could've hit her head-on and killed her. She could have hit us directly in the side and seriously injured if not killed any of you. God did not punish us, He protected us!" There are so many times in our lives, if we would stop to think about it, that God does protect us from harm. So many we won't know about until heaven. I don't think we'll be asking God questions in heaven because we'll be like Him and know. Which means we'll also get to see all the ways He was at work in our lives protecting and leading us and orchestrating the details to bless us. Instead of dwelling on what is wrong with our lives now, perhaps we should concentrate on what isn't wrong and spend our energy walking before the Lord in the land of the living! And praising Him, by all means, with hearts full of thanksgiving!

More than meets the eye....

Dave volunteers at the Dallas Pregnancy Resource Center a couple of times a month. The other evening when he was leaving a guy ran up and jumped in the car. Some other guys were chasing this fellow. One guy said he'd stolen something from him and the others had just joined in. One of them encouraged Dave to call the police. The other guy left at some point. The man in the car spoke only Spanish, but Dave could tell he seemed desperate. As Dave was telling me about it, details became more clear to him. He realized the first man had been so scared he was crying. Then it dawned on Dave that the men chasing him never retrieved anything stolen. As he thought about it, he put together the original chaser had left when he dialed the police. It was the "thief" who wanted the police. The "victim" left when police were mentioned. We decided that for whatever reason, that man wanted to hurt this guy. The poor guy may have been running for his life! Dave may have actually saved the guy's life by calling the police. (They didn't come because the chaser left and the dispatch told the Hispanic to get out of the car.) The other guys were just there. I thought, how cool that Dave volunteers to try to save lives. But God threw him into a situation where he unvoluntarily saved someone's life! One never knows when and how God might be using them at the least suspecting times!

I was absolutely shocked last night at my reaction when a lady pulled me aside to speak to me at Celebrate Recovery. I decided to go for my lack of self-control on eating and discovered there's a lot more to work on also! In the beginners small group we told why we were there. The leader later privately corrected me on something I said about myself because it wasn't right to put that guilt on myself (or something to that effect). It was positive on my behalf and I was suddenly rushed with the urge to cry---I think at how she was sort of standing up for me, and I was so surprised and touched. But the crazy thing is, I stuffed it right away and so deep that I'm not sure what she said. I just know it was on my behalf! That was my confirmation I needed to be there. Hannah has a night shirt with Patrick the starfish on it. He says, "I have issues..." I think I'm in the same boat (or lagoon). I must have some issues to respond to kindness that way! I'm guessing it made such an impression because she was a stranger and I was so sure I am wrong. (?) I'm not sure, but I do know that this is going to be quite a journey!

"For we are His workmanship, having been created in Christ Jesus for good works that God prepared beforehand so we may do them". Eph. 1:10 NET

I learned the most beautiful thing today. Notice the part that says that we are His workmanship. The beauty is in the Greek word for "workmanship." The word means "poem". Our life is a poem God has composed! Whether you like poetry or not, most everyone realizes that poetry is a creative process that expresses one's deep feelings and beliefs. Whether everyone reading or hearing the poem appreciates the expression, it still has deep, heartfelt meaning for the composer and is a special part of him---or in this case, a special part of Him. You are God's poem! That's a whole lot better than a piece of work!

My knight in shining armor....

My husband Dave is about as good as it gets. My son and I tease about what sale did I pick him up on and couldn't I have paid full price for a better model. But that's only because David and I are so alike and Dave is an opposite of us. There's a lot we don't understand about each other. In fact, Hannah is also like me and Emily is much like her dad with a little of me thrown in. We all share the "What is he talking about?" sensation from time to time. But that is quite okay. He has fun with it too, and it releases tension for us all when none of us are on the same page and speaking very loudly. (as if that ever helped anyone understand better!) Nevertheless, David has thanked God more than once in his lifetime for his dad and the strict way he is for teaching David the difficult lessons in life, discipline and such. We all have. Dave has kept us afloat in troubled times. We have labeled him as our family Bible scholar for all he's learned on the radio while driving on his job travels. I first fell in love with his knowledge and voice. Now that Emily is being educated at Criswell College, she's giving him a run for his money for that honor!

David and Dave have shared their sports together. Dave has never been a player, but they have both have been spectators together. David is his dad's walking baseball encyclopedia, which he always appreciates since he doesn't have time to read himself. They also shared Spiderman on Saturday mornings and cartoons on TV on summer vacation--hence this picture. Their differences have not been their demise. Now Dave is trying to mentor David in his finances. Hence the yelling. Not so much because of the decisions, but most often now just finding time to be together!

Dave's mom used to tell me that she hoped Dave was generous with me. He has always been as generous as we could afford to be. He's loving. He's made many more sacrifices for the family than I think any of us will ever realize. Even though he doesn't make as much money as he could in other jobs, he likes this job because he can do much of the work at home and works with Christians. I would never ask to take that away from him. Even though he travels, it's usually day jobs only, with occasional over-nighters. Other jobs that pay more would have him be gone often. That would be unbearable. He's tried to be ever present, if only in body, and has worked hard to be involved in all he could. When the children were children and we were homeschooling, he would even spend a week of his vacation teaching school. The kids loved his "alter ego" Mr. Throckmorton, a proper and odd little British man. Emily and Hannah had tea parties for a few birthdays and Mr. Throckmorton would serve keeping all the girls in stitches the whole time. When the children were very little we would read and act out Bible stories. For the time Jesus was in the boat with his disciples in the storm Dave would load the children on his lap and rock them hard in his rocking recliner for the storm' He'd suddenly stop when the children hollered "Be still!" It was a favorite story for us all. I love the time Dave has given us even when he didn't always feel he had it to give.

The girls have also found Dave to be their knight in shining armor. He's always been their protector----most often from unwanted boys! I felt sort of sorry for the neighborhood boys who stopped by at 8pm one Saturday back when Hannah was 13. They wanted to know if she could come out to "play." "She certainly may not!" I'm not sure what else he said, but his tone of voice in those four words were enough. They didn't bother her again!

Dave is a jewel. I'll keep him forever. Mom gave Daddy a sundial one year that had this quote from a poem, "Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be." We are growing old and it is getting better and better. Part of it is the memories of the growth through struggles and the laughs through the fun, so much of the better and better is recognizing the blessings God gives us every day. God is so faithful and because of it, life with Dave gets better every day.

In my job I sometimes go to the prospective client’s home to do what we call an assessment. Its purpose is to gather information about them, their health and needs and to get the papers signed, and of course, collect the money. I have done two this week, which is unusual. Lori usuall does them all. Today the adult child arranged it for the mother. I find it somewhat depressing. When my mother was ill, my dad had made all the decisions. Then Daddy remarried before he got incapacitated, so his wife took care of him. I remember being hurt many years ago when my parents told me they didn’t need us to take care of them. My first job was in a nursing home and I decided then I’d bring my parents to live with me, but they didn’t think that was a good idea. They didn’t want to be a burden. Granted growing up I didn’t appreciate my parents enough, but I learned to and love them so. I wanted my children to learn about the past from them and us to be an intergenerational family. I wanted my kids to know their grandparents. But we didn’t get to. I feel cheated. I feel like my kids got cheated too. The older generations have so much to share. They have lived through such different times—such unpredictable, new discovery, totally different times. Every one of them have a story, whether they think so or not. Sit down and visit with them. Ask them what their childhood was like. Ask them what it was like to get a TV for the first time. Ask what a record player is and how their records differed from the baby boomer generation's! Ask them if they ever imagined we’d land people on the moon or an exploratory gadget on Mars. Ask what a date was like or the first movie theater. Ask why they went to war and how America back home dealt with it unselfishly. So much beauty, history and life is being lost with the older people being ignored, stored away or forgotten. Love your “old people.” They’re a precious. Visit with them; enjoy them---while you can.

How does this work?

I have made new posts, but they're farther down. So scroll down to find them. I guess they put them in the order of when you started it, not when your posted it. Oh well.

Dave bought me a mini notebook computer. It's so cute. Very handy. Like I've always said, he's my knight in shining armor!

I hardly slept last night. I don't know why. I've drug along all day and now I'm waking up. It's so frustrating! Pray I sleep. I really need to rest so I can think clearly, get rid f the headache and also concentrate. Poor Emily, she's been trying to talk to me and I've been cranky and totally unable to follow along. She deserves better! For my family's sake, please pray I sleep well!

"Stop your striving and know that I am God..." Ps. 46:10

I'd really been wrestling with bitterness at having to work again after not working almost since the day we got married. I'd thought with the children grown there would be less need for me to be at home. However, people aren't gone and the household still needs running. Thank God Emily has taken a large part in keeping it so. She does the cooking for Dave since they both have food allergies. Everyone else takes care of themselves. Em helps with the shopping, but I still do the main shopping with help from a buddy, usually Dave and sometimes Rick. Both girls do chores. Dave helps a great deal. Yet I've felt guilty that I should be doing all that. I don't believe in super-moms. My fibromyalgia has become a big issue over the past 2 years since I've worked. Fibros need a lot of rest. Running errands in my spare time takes away chances of that. Plus, "I'm SO underpaid at work." ;) I felt like since I'm making such a sacrifice, I wanted big monetary compensation. But would that really make everything ok? When at work, with the way my job has progressed, I've had trouble reconciling the fact that I'm always interrupted to work in another area. But I like my own little space and job. I don't want to "crossover" and help anywhere else. I've really been struggling to not resent life as it is.

Then I remembered what a wise man of God once asked me with an earlier life tug-of-war. "What would happen if you laid down the rope?" Ah, yes. Lay down the rope. So I did. Things began to look different. I suddenly saw that my job at the office is all incompassing. Of course! It's all my job! It just depends on the greater need at the moment. The relief I felt was uplifting! It seemed to lift the fog in several areas of my reconciliation struggles. I did feel like a winner. The past two days have been fun at work. Thursday was hectic but I came home feeling very satisfied and accomplished. Friday was a typical Friday, but I still got done what I needed to and what I was asked to do. Laying down the rope is definitely a win-win situation. Laying down the rope is nothing more than letting God be God and being free to do what He has for you. I was really resenting His will for me.

At home I feel a little more invigorated. When I can't sleep, I get up and do something constructive instead of lying awake grumbling. When I can sleep, I sleep better. When I'm awake, I feel like doing something instead of feeling defeated. My whole problem wasn't the medicine. But I think the medicine helped me see what was missing. Basically, trusting God's will for me. That perfect pleasing will I always preach at the kids to rest in!! It's a progression as He works on us. And He never gives up. His mercies really are new every morning!

"This God is our God forever and ever. He will guide us from now on." Ps. 48:14